Office Hours - April 13

[bigdamnprincipal]

While Zoe was good about checking her voicemail and e-mail, checking her physical mail happened a little less often. So, there was a small stack of envelopes on her desk that needed to be dealt with before she did much else - advertisements, catalogs for school supplies, a fancy-looking FedEx letter with a bald eagle on it--

--yeah, one of those things was not like the others, and when Zoe saw the return address, she shoved everything else aside, and opened the envelope.




Ms. Zoe Winchester, Principal
Fandom High School
63 Loon Drive
Fandom Isle, MD 20653

Re: Your @#&$ed Up School

Principal Winchester,

It has come to our attention that the budget allocated to Fandom High School has, in the past few years, ballooned to an unreasonable amount. With no legitimate need for this extra expense being given ("alien invasion" we'll buy once, but not twice. Who do you think we are? Canada? We're not going to be fooled so easily.), we cannot in good conscience continue funding the school without a number of simple changes being instituted to our satisfaction in the fine tradition of No Child Left Behind:

• Uniforms for all of those attending the school, including the teachers. No, make that especially the teachers.



• Classes that are in line with the proper education of the fine youth attending this institution, and more specifically the finer, richer youth we wish to attract.



• Proper respect given to those who fund you. We're not asking for rose petals to be dropped wherever they walk, but the thought wouldn't be remiss.



• No aqua colored fauna assaulting any of the visitors. Especially not the rich visitors.



• No demonstrations that imply George W. Bush was not the greatest president this great country has ever had. USA! USA! USA!



• Renewed vows of allegiance to the United States, the greatest country this world has ever known in this time and dimension or any others! Including those of a dark mirror universe where good is bad, bad is good, communism is a viable form of government and unchecked capitalistic ventures are destroying society as we know it, and Dennis Kucinich became president.

Once these changes have been made and the administration of the school has, to our satisfaction, submitted to them, funding will once more resume. To assist you, several members of the school board (and a fashion consultant) will be arriving on Sunday, April 15th, 2012, to prepare you for the arrival of our august benefactor, Thurston Howell III, on the morning of Monday, April 16th, 2012, for an inspection of these new and extremely reasonable regulations.

Sincerely,

Stephen Tiberius Colbert, Esq.
Chairman of the School Board and Tek Jansen Fan Club

PS: Don't tell him about the deer. Seriously. The man has a weak heart. Do you want the death of a fine, honorable man like Mr. Howell on your hands? Especially when we're not sure what percentage of his estate the school gets? And have you seen how much estate taxes will take even if the school does get the money? This is why I have formed my own Super-pac. To learn more about how you can change the face of America for the better by giving me money, go to: http://www.colbertsuperpac.com/

Attached

LT_SchoolBoard_STC_ThrowingMyWeightAround_04102012

Zoe read through the letter, then read through it a second time. Then, she got up, shut the door to her office, and let out a stream of curses that would have made Jayne blush. Someone had just reached the limit on the amount of crap she would take quietly.

[The door is closed but the post is open!]

Comments

[nookiepowered]

Shutting the door to her office probably helped cut off the torrent of profanities from anyone who wasn't scrolling through security feeds. Bo didn't need to speak Chinese to pick up the general meaning.

Which is why there was a knock at Zoe's closed door a few moments later. "Cough. Problems?"

[bigdamnprincipal]

Zoe looked up from her desk at the sound of Bo's voice, and went over to open the door. "Tell me I'm not allowed to hurt people." That was an answer to the question, right? If not, for good measure, Zoe handed Bo the letter. "No jury of my peers would convict me." Assuming her peers were from Fandom, at least.

[nookiepowered]

"Hey, you're the boss. I'm the one who's not supposed to hurt people if I can h----"

Bo stopped to read, then just stare at, the letter.

"No jury in the world. Is this thing for serious?"

[bigdamnprincipal]

"Unfortunately, I think it is. I'm surprised it didn't arrive via bald eagle," Zoe said bitterly. "They can't come here. The students will revolt. The teachers will revolt. We can't hide everything, it's impossible."

[nookiepowered]

"Two words: Pink. Pony." Bo shook her head. "Besides, this is the one place in the world where people don't have to be normal."

Even Bo was a little taken aback by the vehemence in her voice, but for 'people' read 'I.' Between that and the tone of the letter, it felt more like a personal attack than a business disaster that had to be managed.

"I know this guy -- he's that conservative news douchebag, right?" Bo studied the watermark for a moment longer before handing Zoe the letter back.

[bigdamnprincipal]

"I think so. I try to limit my daily douchebag intake," Zoe said, setting the letter back down on her desk like distancing herself from it would help. "I've tried calling, but I never get anything but voicemail."

[nookiepowered]

"Well, we know where he has to be at news-time. If he won't answer his phone..."

It might be a wrong idea, but was it necessarily a bad one?

Probably, but Bo was still pulling out her own phone. "Maybe I could pay him a little visit. There's a guy a Portalocity who owes me a favor."

[bigdamnprincipal]

"Really? You'd be willing to do that?" Zoe said, perking up now that Post Comment was clicked. "Can you try to convince him of what a terrible idea this is? I don't know if I'm allowed to tell you to use force if necessary but, well, use your best judgment."

[nookiepowered]

"I wasn't thinking force. More like a little...polite persuasion." Which wouldn't last long, but long enough to get the guy to draft another letter and make some calls? Sure.

[bigdamnprincipal]

"Better you than me, because I'm not sure I could manage polite right now," Zoe said. "Thank you for trying. I think everyone will appreciate it."